Drifting Forward (MattKaren RPF)
by LoLoz.Lane
Summary: It's been two years since the Ponds had left the Doctor, since she left her two best friends, since she told Matt he was more than a friend, and that night of drunken passion after the improvised wrap party that involved just the two of them. The night that left them with nothing but question marks. Things had been going downhill ever since.


Karen turned the lock on the door to her small LA apartment with a sigh, and started removing her heels before even closing the door behind her. She should stop wearing heels on dates. She always reminds herself of that, but she keeps wearing them anyway. She wonders why.

The guy was rubbish. The date was boring. They always are, and she's grown used to going back after another lousy date to her empty little apartment in this fake and empty city. She finds herself missing home more with every day that passes. She misses her family, her friends, her old apartment... him. She misses him more than she'd like to admit - mostly to herself.

It's been two years since the Ponds had left the Doctor, since she left her two best friends, since she told Matt he was more than a friends, and that night of drunken passion after the improvised wrap party that involved just the two of them. The night that left them with nothing but question marks. Karen was leaving to the states and Matt had a show to shoot.

Things had been going downhill ever since. At first they overcame the time differences and tried to keep in touch as much as possible; texting, calling, skyping. He was addictive, Matt. She was most definitely addicted to his voice, his laughter, his face, the way he made her laugh, and the way only he made her feel. And neither one ever dared to mention *that* night.

In time, that "Call a day" became a call a week, then a month, then 6 months had passed without him making her laugh, without seeing his stupid face. In all that time she had managed to film two TV movies, go on a string of exhausting dates, and even maintain two so called relationship for a couple of months. He, on the other hand seemed to be having the time of his life, traveling places with Who, doing press with his new companion, and even having an alleged affair with her. He didn't confess, but more importantly, he didn't deny.  
He didn't call when he came to the states for Comic-Con, and didn't answer her call when the news broke that he was leaving the show.

The ache in her heart couldn't find release, it just kept hurting. Why didn't it just stop? She never had a problem getting over guys, what was it with this idiot that made her feel so alone?  
The friends she made in the states were nice enough, some of them were even close friends, but she never felt she could completely be her awkward, clumsy, bubbly self with them, and she was getting tired carrying all those different masks around.

He always accepted her. With him she was always 100% herself. No masks, no niceties, no politeness, just her crazy self, with his crazy self. Two idiots.

It was probably too late to fix things now, but she still found herself jumping at the sound of her ridiculous ringtone, hoping that maybe it could be him. But it never was.

She curled up on her couch, that was obviously too small for her, and switched on the telly. Her Tivo was filled with recorded Doctor Who episodes she didn't watch, but couldn't bring herself to delete. Finally she settled on an old episode of Community. If the dull bloke couldn't make her laugh, she'd find it someplace else. 15 minutes in she wondered since when Inspector Spacetime made her teary eyed and shut the damn thing.

Bed it is, then. She had an early call tomorrow. At least work can keep her mind from going to places she hated dealing with.

As she was getting ready for bed, an annoying sound on her mobile alerted her that she got a text.

'Matt'

Her heart nearly stopped.

"u home?"

Her stomach was doing flip flops, she felt heavy. And sad.

"Yes."

A knock on the door frightened her half to death. She wasn't used to people knocking on her door. Especially not him. She felt sick.

She peeked out of her peephole, and there he was.

"Hi" He offered a small smile as she opened the door. He looked guilty. Serves him right. He was holding a huge backpack and carrying a suitcase.

"What are you doing here?" It came out harsher than she'd intended, but she really didn't care.

"Audition. Good project, I think. Just got out of the airport."

She didn't answer, she just tried to focus all her energy in standing up straight.

"Can I get a hug now?" Not waiting for her answer, he lowered his bag to the floor, stepped inside and wrapped his arms tightly around her. Her hands were still by her sides, she felt like falling, and yet couldn't bring herself to hold him back.

"I missed you, Kaz." He whispered into her neck.

"'Kaz'" She rolled her eyes as wetness started clouding them. "You'd think we're still friends." She got herself together, holding the tears inside. Damn him for making her cry, damn him for coming unannounced, and damn him for making her feel like she could forget everything and jump back into his arms.

He stepped back, staring at his bag on the floor. "I'm sorry."  
"You should be." With that she turned her back on him and got into the dark living room, sitting on her couch and holding her head in her hands. This was too much.

Matt was still standing at the open door, not sure what to do. He closed it softly behind him and joined her on the couch.

After a few moments of silence, while she got herself together and he just stared at her, not knowing what to do, or say, he started in a soft voice "Kaz... ren..."

"So how's life?" She cut in. Staring straight at the coffee table.

"Umm... it's all right, I guess... Strange being off the show, too much time on my hands now, not sure what to do with it..."

"You could've called."

"I know, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was-"

"How's Jenna?"

"I... don't know really, we haven't really spoken since we wrapped the series"

"So that's like a habit to you? Dumping your best friends when you don't work with them anymore?"

"She was never my best friend, I'm not sure we were even friends"

"But you slept with her."

Her eyes left the coffee table to catch his shocked ones.

"I... It was a one time thing, it meant nothing and never happened again"

"So we're not that different, are we? Jenna and I"

His eyes were hurt, and angry. Hers were just angry. But neither raised their voice.

"What? Kaz... Sorry- Karen, you are nothing alike! You meant everything, You MEAN everything! Kazza... please tell me you know that..."

"Know what? That we woke up on the same bed one morning and then didn't see each other until Comic-Con? That you pretended nothing happened? That you popped out of my life as soon as things got a bit difficult?" Her voice was cold and harsh. "You know what, fuck it. I loved you." She put it all out there. She had nothing to lose, she already lost him. Her eyes were locked on his, both looked terrified, his were also sad.

"I really fucked it up, have I?" He said several moments later. His hand ran through his hair. She missed his hair.

"You have."

He wanted to touch her, kiss her, hold her close and whisper in her ear how sorry he was, how much of a bloody coward he was, how lonely he is without her and how no one else can ever compare to her. But the few centimeters between them felt like a fucking planet away.

"Do you want me to go?"

Yes. No. "Whatever." The coffee table seemed really interesting again.

"I'll stay then, I really don't have any place to go." He said with a small smile.

"And here I thought you only wanted to see me..." She meant to tease him, but his smile faded, and the air was heavy again.

"The only reason I came to America was to see you."

"You said you have an audition."

"Yeah, for a rubbish part in a rubbish movie I don't give a fuck about. I really did miss you, Kaz. I miss you all the time, even now, when you're here hating me."

"I do, a little bit." She said with a smile. Her eyes lit up a little, and his followed.

He pulled her into his arms again, holding her so tight she felt as if he was trying to mold them into one. This time she wrapped her arms around him as he kissed her shoulder and spoke into it.

"I was terrified that we wouldn't be able to make it work. long distance relationships rarely do. So I thought if I'd ignore that night and how I feel, things would just go back to normal. I was so scared I'd fuck up our relationship, that I fucked up our friendship. I'm so sorry, Kaz... and I understand if you hate me. You should, actually. Even I hate me."

She caressed the back of his neck, running her fingers through his hair while her heart swell, her stomach turned, and she felt like she's falling again.

"I lied before," she whispered "When I said I loved you."  
"Oh..." he let out. She could almost feel his heart breaking as he was starting to let go of her, but she only held him tighter. "I still do."

He groaned into her shoulder and tightened his hold of her again, eyes closed shut and his heart pounding so hard she could feel it against her. The tears she tried so hard to hide found their way out.

"You're a stupid idiot, but no matter how much I've tried, I couldn't stop."

He let go of her just to put his hands on her cheeks, his thumbs slowly caressing the trails of her tears, and his lips faintly touching hers as he spoke.

"Good. Because I couldn't stop loving you either."

"You do?"

"Gods, I'm so deeply in love with you I seriously considered you put a spell on me."

As she started to laugh he caught her lips with his, and she wondered how will she survive another single day without tasting those lips. He kissed her like he had a lifetime of practice with her. He took her bottom lip between his and gently sucked it into his mouth, and then done the same to her upper one. He released it only to caress it with his tongue.

After a few minutes of the slowest but most thorough kissing session she ever experienced she dared to ask.

"How long are you staying in America?"

"Until you tell me to go."

So she didn't.


End file.
